Relationships

As a continuation from Part II of my blog on “What Narcissism Looks Like in a Relationship,” boundaries should make a person respect you, because after all, you have some.  Narcissists know you are better for having boundaries; it reflects something about your character– something they seem to lack from a place of authenticity. 

As the narcissist works to erode your boundaries, and if you budge on one of those a bit, now it is something they can use against you at an opportune time.  To them, changing your mind or changing your thought process on a once held boundary opens you up for suspicion.  Even if they know deep down you changed something because of them or for them, it won’t matter.  Now you are inconsistent and are not to be trusted.  

The goal is to move you closer to who they are, double-minded in thought and action.  This is so that once you confront them about something they’ve done, they can bring those inconsistent things up about you, and in turn, nothing is ever truly addressed or resolved about their questionable behaviors.  Hence, you will never get anywhere with a narcissist when you try to bring up something that they have done.  Your questions will be dodged, your concerns and feelings won’t matter, and you will feel depleted after you’ve engaged them on the subject. However you go about trying to engage the narcissist for answers, you will never get full transparency.  They will make you feel like you don’t deserve it nor that you’ve earned that rite of passage into their life– and all because of your doing!  You will always be held at arm’s length as they must protect their persona at all costs.  

As in the case of a narcissist, they work undercover as they are two different people in one– who they present themselves to be versus who they truly are.  They juggle these two faces within and of themselves.  It is the epitome of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.  One version seems kind and charitable; the other is a stark contrast of the ugliness most wouldn’t want to associate with in their life.  You can’t risk that the good side of them is greater than possibly the bad side as you will never know who you are dealing with on a moment-to-moment basis.  Who wants to live with that?  In the battle of self in The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, Hyde’s evil side eventually overpowers Jekyll’s good side, the one he had practiced for the majority of his life.  In other words, mix in a little evil and know that you have turned over your soul; you’ve signed up as a member and accomplice with the devil. The devil is the author of confusion, and I have found that nothing is more confusing than being with a narcissist.  

There is no way to sugarcoat this: With the way a narcissist operates, they are bound to a sort of enchantment and trickery.  They use their deceptive charm as they work their craft, one person to another.  In my case, the narcissist was able to navigate through many women at a time with the help of social media and dating apps.  These means of technology only highlighted and, eventually, exposed his problem.  With the handy options to hide and/or restrict bio information, comments, and followers, he played me and regulated how I showed up in his social media life; anyone from the outside looking in would surmise that he was single, available, and unattached to another.  Of course bringing up any of this made me look like the jealous, controlling girlfriend as he called me “petty” for focusing on such things, although his deliberate actions were proof that he knew what he was doing. 

If anything, narcissists deal in barriers, not boundaries.  They will plugin phrases to program you into thinking more like them on certain things or by way as a warning to condition you so that you don’t do certain things they find disapproving:        

-“I didn’t like it when my ex…”

-“Can you take trips on your own? My ex got so upset when I didn’t travel with her.” 

-“When visiting family, do you think the other always has to be there, because I don’t.” 

-“Most women want a boyfriend but can’t understand that I need a lot of alone time and want to be left alone.” 

What a negative approach when revealing one’s self and starting a new relationship with someone!  Instead of building fresh with a new person, narcissists reveal only those contentious moments from previous relationships.  As far as their past, you will only hear of negative mishaps, never the positive that brought them joy and fulfillment because, truly, I don’t think they experience those components of a relationship. They can’t. They lack true intimacy with another person because they aren’t acting from a place of authenticity about who they are nor in their intentions in the “said” relationship. And as they are who they are, I believe that because of their own shadiness, they believe that everyone else must be just like them!  They already enter into an arrangement not trusting you because they know deep down they are not to be trusted!  Because of their chosen lifestyle, they lack the ability to connect to other humans and can never experience true oneness with another fellow creature in the world.    

Photo downloaded from Unsplash

Supposedly, there are three common stages that someone will go through with a narcissist: idealizing, devaluing, and discarding. From most of my reading on the topic, it is defined as a cyclical pattern that will continue in those order of stages as long as the other party chooses to stay on that hamster wheel.  

In my experience, it is hard to say that each stage had a start and end period before it moved to the next phase.  For me, the three stages seemed to work so closely together, all three could happen in any given moment; with a narcissist, a seemingly joyful, happy moment could quickly turn into one of the most upsetting encounters you never saw coming.      

Instead of referring to this next part of my blog as a particular “stage” that the narcissist cultivates with a vulnerable party, I want to focus on what seems to be the narcissist’s strategic goals or motives in the initial stages of the relationship: 1) to establish a connection as soon as possible to keep you around, and 2) to test and eventually erode your boundaries so that they have control over you.   

First, I will give an example of how the narcissist quickly and strategically works to establish a connection with his or her target.      

One day after work, the guy I was dating rushed over to my house on his way home.  He sat down opposite of me for eye contact and held my hands in his.  Without pause, he jumped right into the subject matter that was on his mind: what might be our hangups. He shared having some debt and not making a lot of money.  I found this very endearing, that someone trusted me with their private affairs; I appreciated his vulnerability.  

He asked me what I thought might be other hangups, to name my top three.  Of course this whole conversation caught me off guard, but I already knew what mine were with anyone I might hold a future.  At the time, I was not ready to be as vulnerable with him, but I reiterated the only one I had already shared with him– that I couldn’t have children and understood if he did not want to continue in a relationship with me since he didn’t already have children of his own.  He accepted this.  With genuine smiles and loving eyes, he rested in his attempt to “proclaim his love” of a highly foreseeable future together.  

Just to be clear, the narcissist will “insinuate” marriage within a matter of weeks.  We had only known each other for six weeks when we had this conversation.      

I think it is worth putting a startling fact and thought here about this very thing on marriage when you’re in a romantic relationship with a narcissist. The words “marriage” never came out of his mouth once in the year and a half I knew him. The literature on narcissism that I have read refers to this as “future-faking.”  I believe marriage was the furthest thing from his mind and plan for us.  This was more a bite for, Do you value me as worthy enough? Of course this is speculation, just like so much of what I will write here; for I cannot begin to fathom how or why a narcissist thinks the way they do, except I do believe they are seeking out a moment’s relief from their own self-loathing, grasping for anything to satisfy their hunger of affection, attention, and acceptance because of their own deeply rooted insecurities.  

To continue with my story, this nature of conversation did pressure me to share very intimate details about my family a lot sooner than I might with another individual.  For me, someone earns that privilege, but in order to bring balance to the relationship, I fearfully shared my other two concerns, which were related to my blood family, for when you marry someone, you marry their family as well.   

All of our greatest fears where a partner might think twice before continuing something serious were out in the open.  Sounds great, right? 

It is all part of the narcissist’s manipulation ploy. Think about it like breadcrumbs.  We are all hungry for companionship and intimacy.  These types of intimate conversations and disclosure of the most intimate parts of us bond us together, for better or for worse.  Naturally, we eat up those “breadcrumbs” thinking more is to follow only to find that everything from here on will be a challenge and wrapped in a continuum of conflict.  You will never know true peace with this person going forward, and the short-lived moments that are somewhat good will run on their timetable until any bit of happiness and comfort you may have found in the relationship is destroyed.  

You see, they have an agenda, and it is not in the name of love.  Love wishes to make the other person happy.  Your happiness is not even on their radar.  In fact, they are incapable of bringing any sort of peace and security to the relationship so that a healthy foundation is established. 

They intend to use you for what they need out of you to feel good about themselves.  That is their only goal.  They are like sucking vampires.  They live off of your light and what affections you shower on them.  You are an extension of them– a lifeline– where they can feel some worth within themselves.  

They see themselves as a victim in the world– of the highest kind– so much so that they cannot see that they have actually bought into a victim-mentality cycle where they are doing the very thing to someone else! Hence, they are unable to reflect and see themselves for who they truly are.   

And don’t you dare try to point any of this out to them, for they are highly sensitive to constructive criticism even when it comes from a place of love.  They have no problem dished it out but cannot stomach what is served to them! It will be an unmatched, unequal, nonmutual “give” and “take” type of relationship in every respect.  You will never be able to have healthy conversations nor given the chance to be understood.  

Because of their tunnel-visioned goal, they have a short fuse– little patience and easily angered– for what needs you may bring up to them at any given time if they have not obtained that main goal of theirs!  For any needs you might have or the need of reassurances —because you will question when their words and actions don’t line up— will be of no concern to them.  In fact, this is where the gaslighting begins: They will defensively react to your questioning of them and tell you, “That is your problem. This must be coming from someone else that hurt you, and that’s not my problem to fix.”  This hiccup of you expressing yourself (i.e. communicating) will irritate them so badly, you will wonder if the relationship is over, brewing more unrest within yourself.  

You will replay what or how else you could have said it, thinking that things would be so much better had you not brought it up at all.  You will take into consideration what they say (as any person does when in a relationship that matters to him or her) and will more than likely see a similar wound, happenstance, or pattern within your life (I will address later in more detail as it is very important).  You will acknowledge and accept there is some truth to what they are saying about you because, after all, if you are broken in that area within (as we all have areas), you will wonder if you are healthy enough to be in a binding connection.  

Sadly, while you were trying to learn and love this person through their own hurt and warped mindset of themselves (Sidenote: In this one particular case, he was a covert narcissist– one whose self-deprecation can be mistaken for humbleness), the narcissist has studied you and learned your triggers.  They save it up in their arsenal, so that they might use it against you when you confront them about something they’ve done.  They turn the tables in EVERY argument, so that they do not acknowledge or resolve any problems you have with them; you will begin to believe you are the broken one and that everything wrong in the relationship must be your fault.    

By calling out their puzzling, inconsistent behaviors, they go into overdrive because things aren’t going as planned and their patience runs thin.  They must have complete control of you but will make you feel you have lost control of yourself to think such outlandish things with your lack of trust in them and your doubts with their hot-cold attitude toward you.  They will test every hard-line boundary you hold to be true in your reality.  The ploy is to wear you down until you remove those boundaries all together.  For the narcissist, this isn’t about mutual compromises.  This is an assault to your rights and morals.  Each day, for weeks, maybe even months, you will have to restate what the boundaries are and why, just like you might to a toddler.  They will act like they didn’t hear you all the other times and think that a different day, situation, or circumstance means that the boundary is no longer in place and will test it to see if you really mean what you say.  They will work relentlessly at eroding your boundaries, especially if it’s in their interest to gain something that they really want. 

The interesting thing about this is when you first meet them, they seem to have NO boundaries.  Personally, they will have none of their own.  They will seem very open and carefree with just about anything.  Anything goes for them!  However, things will not stay that way.  All of a sudden they will have new, established boundaries in the relationship, except there will be no discussion or communication of what those are and when those went into effect.  This is where the insecurity seeps in.  It will make no logical sense why the boundary has been put in place.  As soon as you question the boundary, they will use this to control the relationship or enforce punitive measures, especially if it is something that seems to upset you. 

Your insecurities will bring forth a reaction: clinginess.  For me, I am an independent person.  I have been single for a long time and do not need another person or relationship in my life to feel fulfilled.  I slowly stripped away my boundaries, hoping that if I lightened up on mine, he would do the same.  BUT, the boundaries you each hold are two very different things: Yours will be your deep-seated beliefs and morals and normal reactions to protect what feels like a predator preying on you; they, on the other hand, will have boundaries that change and move with ebbs and flows, and the rings of fire will move in height and distance because the narcissist wants to see how committed you are to him or her– a warped idea of a relationship.  

Photo by Sander Meyer on Unsplash     

Have you ever been inside a traditional funhouse (House of Mirrors) at a carnival or amusement park?  The basic concept behind a house of mirrors is a maze-like puzzle. In addition to the maze, participants are also given mirrors as obstacles, glass panes to parts of the maze they cannot yet get to.  Sometimes the mirrors may be distorted because of different curves—convex or concave— in the glass to give the participants unusual and confusing reflections of themselves, some humorous and others frightening. 

This whole idea of a funhouse of mirrors is much like being in a relationship with a narcissist.  Being in a relationship with one will feel like a game.  They run the “funhouse” while you are the confused, disillusioned participant.  They gain entertainment in morphing your self-image, watching while you question your perception of reality, ultimately doubting one of your greatest gifts from God—your intuition.       

Upon entering a relationship with a narcissist, you will be in the idealization stage.  Everything with them will feel fun and adventurous.  They will be highly knowledgeable about the latest hot topics and will unshakably vocalize their opinions.  You will respect their confidence on such things.  They will seem to have a handle on their likes and dislikes, hobbies, and interests.  The conversation with them will flow freely and easily.  You amazingly will have everything in common—from the rudimental, fundamental, a shared deep-seated belief system.  You will think you have found your soulmate as NO ONE else you’ve ever met has quite “gotten you” like this person does.  It will feel like a divine set up from heaven.  

You will have entered what is called the “love-bomb” stage.  This is an important stage for the narcissist to establish a hold on you, to hook you into them.  Like a quick-start button, a foundation to the relationship will be established.  You will hear from this person often throughout the day by email and text; they will plan memorable dates, spending as much time with you as possible.  They will fill up so much of your time and mind that you will not know how you lived without them nor can you imagine them not being there.  Within a matter of weeks, they will want to introduce you to their closest family members—their parents and siblings— as they are convinced you are “the one.”  Within that same time frame, they will say I love you well before normal people could form such a connection.    

You will become addicted to this person.  Every text, I love you, and interaction will feed like a high. As you can imagine, this stage is short-lived as it inevitably results into a freefall as keeping this up for anyone is exhausting.  You will know when the narcissist has become exhausted because the memorable, planned dates will stop for no reason; they will start to ease out of the routine they have created, and little by little, you will feel starved for the same love and affection they once gave you.  

Photo by Daria Sizova