I thought of asking for a reading list, one crafted by you. I’d make a specific request: Something meaningful but not the kind with heavy weight, for my heart is ragged, tattered, exhausted– not just from what I’ve experienced but the simple evils of the world and life’s cruelty where love is kept from those who deserve it.
Where does all the love go?
Is it like the wind,
unrealized yet felt?
Like chaff blown about and
to what end would the tumble rest?
Or like the lotus flower
that floats from water's edge?
Could one consume it like holy communion
where wafer dissolves on the tongue?
Or could one simply claim it with spoken words:
"At last! This one is bone from my bone,
and flesh from my flesh"?
Where does all the love go
if not to the one that it's intended for?
This time I chose to love alone, or has this love chosen me?
I likened its constancy to strength, resilience, and rebirth. I wrestled in its intertwined hope and despair. I tried to cast it off with prayers; long talks and walks with close friends, with myself; I tried to write it out of me; I tried to place it on the altar of sacrifice– all of this to no avail. It seemed to claw its way back into the you-shaped hole inside me like some puzzle piece that was meant to be there–remain there– until my last breath. Like a thorn of the flesh, I decided to make peace with its place in my life. It was a part of me; I couldn’t abandon myself.
I imagine you love me back–that you always loved me, that you never stopped. That you love me so much that you would learn another language, if you could– a language learned just for me so that you could express your deep, watery emotions. You’d discover some satisfaction in its translation and, with it, frustration by its limitations. Because you, like me, understand these are the deep wells of the heart that are incomprehensible. That with each attempted reach to draw them out, it becomes harder to retrieve, and yet with unwieldy hope, like a sacrament, we’d try to rend them from the heart so as to sanctify the other in the washing of water by words.
If you were a color, you would be every shade of blue. Light blue would symbolize your boyish charm; reflected innocence yet restrained wisdom; one who accepts and believes and welcomes like a child.
You are electric blue– refreshing, eye-catching, standing out among the rest, exciting and fun, and fulfilling of adventure– the kind of blue that never dulls.
You once bought a blue-green cashmere sweater for me to wear for you– extremely soft, insulating, fine and rare– a sophisticated color, the only kind deserving of you.
I would get lost and scared in your crystal blue eyes. I was at your mercy in those moments. There is a thin line between self-control and surrender.
If anything you are mostly like the ocean blue. If the ocean is blue because water absorbs colors in the red part of the light spectrum, you work magic. Effortlessly, you filter one’s perception to see the unseen potential and possibilities of life and the self.
Like the ocean, you are in constant flux. In a wave crest or plunge, you display grace and power, playfully and dangerously. Everything slows down and speeds up all at the same time. You are calm and ravenous, gentle yet swallowing everything whole, much like how you love– all encompassing. You’d have it no other way. Love is vast for you, like an idol. Even a part of me wanted to bow down to what seemed so worthy of worship.
I cannot grasp you, yet you engulf me. For me, it’s an experience– an anticipated euphoria; for you, I am not sure what it is. You remain mysterious, unable to pin down, yet I wouldn’t even think of it being another way. You love your freedom and independence to be and create. I trust you as you make room for my small human frame.
I once thought of you as a Sirius star, but you are vaster, more instrumental. You are the blue black sky that contains all the stars, and even though you might lose one here and there, you hold it all together, like Father God. Though you could be the brightest star in the sky, you are much too large to be contained to a singular number.
You are all encompassing, enveloping, framing– every shade of blue to be desired.
I awaken with my head on a pillow I think is mine. The bed is made underneath me as if I have taken a nap. My hands sweep over the top of the comforter as I support myself into a seated position. My muscles are relaxed, and my face holds no tension.
My eyes wander over at the loft’s edge where the adjacent windows frame white in the adjoining room, and I hear purposeful, small sounds just below me.
Someone is waiting for me. Was I only napping, or have I been sleeping here for a while?
I ascertain someone has been waiting for me. Someone has been waiting for me, and I am not jolted to hurry down because this person never intended to leave. This person understood the importance of my rest. I grin hearing the small sounds of someone who has a purpose outside of me and the patience to wait.
My hand sleeves the banister as I descend the stairwell. Each foot fall is met with need of comfort, protection, security, and warmth, much like a young girl would expect in a home of kind, loving parents.
As I reach the main level, I turn the corner toward the tinkerings, expecting you to be there.
At this moment, we do not touch, but it’s not because there is a lack of affection. Our affection goes beyond that. It is understood, believed, and embraced in each shared smile, glance, and gesture of care to this home, even in the mundane tasks. It is felt in every sound and pause.
You wait for me to come on my own time, when I am ready, and I love you for this because you trust and carry peace within yourself, the kind that is contagious. It’s an aura that fills this house. There is no waiting for the next thing as the world competes in everything. It is just a neutral state of being. Not that everything is perfect in our world but nothing outside of us is running us or our lives. We understand the importance of others in our life and their place in it, but nothing and no one is getting between us. There is no fear of this in the future either. It’s the actualization of total rest, and there is no fear of what’s to come because we realize it’s not momentary rest. It’s inner rest, undisturbed and untainted by any forces known and unknown. It’s the absolute state of knowing and feeling that everything is exactly as it is and will be. There is nothing in mind, spirit, or soul that muddles it.
This peace transcends all understanding. There is no overthinking–overexplaining– because much is understood between us without the use of words. Though our conversations may deal more in the day to day facts of life, there is a lot of understood emotion by observation, much like holding a kaleidoscope for eye’s catch of all colors, shades, and facets of slight changes in tone and grimaces on one’s face, and even in one’s stillness. We know each other as if we have known each other, our souls holding memory.
I wonder if it has always been like this with you. Regardless of having a definite answer, it doesn’t matter. If in your gentleness, even your kindness, I have attacked you with my words or rejected your acts of love toward me, you have not held it against me. You understand it was only fear, not hate, that held me back. And I hold space in the same way for you. We hold no record of wrongs against each other. The world has been harsh to both of us, and we both understand this about the other. Our nurturing love breathes life into our places where there have been little deaths: You’ll know the weight of my deferred dreams, and I’ll know how to find you when you want to hide from the world. This is love, and we’ll never need convincing nor the shoeing away of doubts because we’ll never question if we deserve it or are worthy of it.
One man’s “I just wanted to make you happy” is that man’s own folly! Maybe in my 20’s that might have been a viable assumption. No, no sir! I was never looking for someone to make me happy. After all these years, I know how to do that on my own. I know what God has for me cannot be done alone. To be with someone means I have to find something greater in and of myself, something more useful to this world: Solace. With that, I am healed, and in my healing, I can heal the world.
To my future love:
I need a slow yet ever-burning, passionate love that develops with time and space and presence. If it is forced or too fast, I won’t believe it is genuine. Even though all that would be nice, this will be my reality. When you find me, I may not be all that you envisioned. Be patient with me and listen to the words I say because I don’t speak idle words when it comes to love. Give me time– give us reasonable time– until we become one. It will be worth the wait. I will be your love of a lifetime, I promise; I know this because I know what I feel in my heart. I may not be able to articulate my emotions fully in the moments as they come, but you will know it more readily in my touch, my kiss, my embrace, my vulnerability, and even in my anger lest I lose you. I will know you are the one when you consider my wishes and warnings– when you believe in me.
Thank you ahead of time for loving me well, just like Him.
Nothing has caused us more grief, and too, more blessings in our life than being in relationship with people. Where we cultivate unconditional love and forgiveness in some relationships, we litter others with pain, betrayal, and deceit. Even in the mess of it all, we are drawn to connect with others; after all, God created us to be in relationship with Him and each other. For better or for worse, relationship with others is the way we try to make sense of life and ourselves.
Because of this drive in us to mesh with others, it is important to have boundaries in place in every relationship, and we should ponder often who to trust with the valuable pearls of our life, especially since we live in a world where we all teeter on a fine line of both healthy and destructive relational mishaps, differing perspectives, and human blind spots.
Though we want others to feel welcomed and loved around us, we understand everyone has different access to us. I will use a house as an example for this. For instance, you share certain rooms with certain people; some people need permission to use certain rooms in your home, where others know they have that allowance without your permission. An acquaintance may only experience your front porch and the entry of your foyer once you have decided to open the door to them. Your living room and kitchen might be where you spend time with your closest friends and family. The more intimate rooms, like your bedrooms, would be for those who have a more significant place in your life such as immediate family members or a spouse. Everyone, for the most part, has a healthy understanding of the social norms of our homes and their various rooms when they come to visit; thus, these norms do not usually have to be explained to visitors.
Just like with a home, we need safe-walls in our own life with others. However, where social norms of the home are accepted by most without an explanation, personal boundaries within our lives are much harder to define and communicate and may be the main reason why we experience so much tension, friction, and conflict in our relationships.
What might a stated boundary with a loved one look like? I’ll use another visual here.
Two people have agreed to travel life alongside each other, and then something unforeseeable happens where someone oversteps in an area of life. By stating your boundaries, it is like cupping the other person’s forearm with your hand as a way of asking for their attention and pause. Although it may bring about a temporarily awkward moment in the relationship (and for a healthy considerable amount of time), it gives everyone a chance to reset the GPS of the relational direction so that “we” continue the journey in mutual understanding, love, and respect.
I realize that these particular visuals oversimplify what boundaries are and how they should be communicated; in relationship with others, this is all easier said than done when dealing with people live! As there isn’t a set of bylaws somewhere in defining our relationship borders, we usually don’t know what will bother us or need to be addressed as we cannot predict another’s actions toward us in different circumstances. Boundaries can be fluid just as humans are and, at the same time, with the many possible shifts that can occur in our relationships.
Initial boundaries in a relationship should be in place to protect, not to keep each other out. Sadly in the climate and culture of relationships currently, it seems much easier for us to cut someone out of our life rather than navigate the unchartered waters of effective communication and the placement of healthy boundaries. When someone crosses a boundary, we are much quicker to make a judgment of another’s motives than to examine the real underlying problem, and because of this, we start to dismantle our relationships, which ultimately can lead to estrangement.
Both, or all involved, will need to care equally about the relationship and put on the cloak of patience. Navigating life is hard for everyone, and we all come from different backgrounds and relational experiences. Therefore, it is important to make the other person feel safe when introducing boundaries by also communicating that the relationship isn’t easily broken because of this healthy and needed shift; it is for the betterment, growth, and endurance of something important– the relationship itself.
