I awaken with my head on a pillow I think is mine. The bed is made underneath me as if I have taken a nap. My hands sweep over the top of the comforter as I support myself into a seated position. My muscles are relaxed, and my face holds no tension.
My eyes wander over at the loft’s edge where the adjacent windows frame white in the adjoining room, and I hear purposeful, small sounds just below me.
Someone is waiting for me. Was I only napping, or have I been sleeping here for a while?
I ascertain someone has been waiting for me. Someone has been waiting for me, and I am not jolted to hurry down because this person never intended to leave. This person understood the importance of my rest. I grin hearing the small sounds of someone who has a purpose outside of me and the patience to wait.
My hand sleeves the banister as I descend the stairwell. Each foot fall is met with need of comfort, protection, security, and warmth, much like a young girl would expect in a home of kind, loving parents.
As I reach the main level, I turn the corner toward the tinkerings, expecting you to be there.
At this moment, we do not touch, but it’s not because there is a lack of affection. Our affection goes beyond that. It is understood, believed, and embraced in each shared smile, glance, and gesture of care to this home, even in the mundane tasks. It is felt in every sound and pause.
You wait for me to come on my own time, when I am ready, and I love you for this because you trust and carry peace within yourself, the kind that is contagious. It’s an aura that fills this house. There is no waiting for the next thing as the world competes in everything. It is just a neutral state of being. Not that everything is perfect in our world but nothing outside of us is running us or our lives. We understand the importance of others in our life and their place in it, but nothing and no one is getting between us. There is no fear of this in the future either. It’s the actualization of total rest, and there is no fear of what’s to come because we realize it’s not momentary rest. It’s inner rest, undisturbed and untainted by any forces known and unknown. It’s the absolute state of knowing and feeling that everything is exactly as it is and will be. There is nothing in mind, spirit, or soul that muddles it.
This peace transcends all understanding. There is no overthinking–overexplaining– because much is understood between us without the use of words. Though our conversations may deal more in the day to day facts of life, there is a lot of understood emotion by observation, much like holding a kaleidoscope for eye’s catch of all colors, shades, and facets of slight changes in tone and grimaces on one’s face, and even in one’s stillness. We know each other as if we have known each other, our souls holding memory.
I wonder if it has always been like this with you. Regardless of having a definite answer, it doesn’t matter. If in your gentleness, even your kindness, I have attacked you with my words or rejected your acts of love toward me, you have not held it against me. You understand it was only fear, not hate, that held me back. And I hold space in the same way for you. We hold no record of wrongs against each other. The world has been harsh to both of us, and we both understand this about the other. Our nurturing love breathes life into our places where there have been little deaths: You’ll know the weight of my deferred dreams, and I’ll know how to find you when you want to hide from the world. This is love, and we’ll never need convincing nor the shoeing away of doubts because we’ll never question if we deserve it or are worthy of it.
One man’s “I just wanted to make you happy” is that man’s own folly! Maybe in my 20’s that might have been a viable assumption. No, no sir! I was never looking for someone to make me happy. After all these years, I know how to do that on my own. I know what God has for me cannot be done alone. To be with someone means I have to find something greater in and of myself, something more useful to this world: Solace. With that, I am healed, and in my healing, I can heal the world.
To my future love:
I need a slow yet ever-burning, passionate love that develops with time and space and presence. If it is forced or too fast, I won’t believe it is genuine. Even though all that would be nice, this will be my reality. When you find me, I may not be all that you envisioned. Be patient with me and listen to the words I say because I don’t speak idle words when it comes to love. Give me time– give us reasonable time– until we become one. It will be worth the wait. I will be your love of a lifetime, I promise; I know this because I know what I feel in my heart. I may not be able to articulate my emotions fully in the moments as they come, but you will know it more readily in my touch, my kiss, my embrace, my vulnerability, and even in my anger lest I lose you. I will know you are the one when you consider my wishes and warnings– when you believe in me.
Thank you ahead of time for loving me well, just like Him.
With deep appreciation and love,
Melanie
Photo by Casey Horner on Unsplash