Nothing has caused us more grief, and too, more blessings in our life than being in relationship with people. Where we cultivate unconditional love and forgiveness in some relationships, we litter others with pain, betrayal, and deceit. Even in the mess of it all, we are drawn to connect with others; after all, God created us to be in relationship with Him and each other. For better or for worse, relationship with others is the way we try to make sense of life and ourselves.
Because of this drive in us to mesh with others, it is important to have boundaries in place in every relationship, and we should ponder often who to trust with the valuable pearls of our life, especially since we live in a world where we all teeter on a fine line of both healthy and destructive relational mishaps, differing perspectives, and human blind spots.
Though we want others to feel welcomed and loved around us, we understand everyone has different access to us. I will use a house as an example for this. For instance, you share certain rooms with certain people; some people need permission to use certain rooms in your home, where others know they have that allowance without your permission. An acquaintance may only experience your front porch and the entry of your foyer once you have decided to open the door to them. Your living room and kitchen might be where you spend time with your closest friends and family. The more intimate rooms, like your bedrooms, would be for those who have a more significant place in your life such as immediate family members or a spouse. Everyone, for the most part, has a healthy understanding of the social norms of our homes and their various rooms when they come to visit; thus, these norms do not usually have to be explained to visitors.
Just like with a home, we need safe-walls in our own life with others. However, where social norms of the home are accepted by most without an explanation, personal boundaries within our lives are much harder to define and communicate and may be the main reason why we experience so much tension, friction, and conflict in our relationships.
What might a stated boundary with a loved one look like? I’ll use another visual here.
Two people have agreed to travel life alongside each other, and then something unforeseeable happens where someone oversteps in an area of life. By stating your boundaries, it is like cupping the other person’s forearm with your hand as a way of asking for their attention and pause. Although it may bring about a temporarily awkward moment in the relationship (and for a healthy considerable amount of time), it gives everyone a chance to reset the GPS of the relational direction so that “we” continue the journey in mutual understanding, love, and respect.
I realize that these particular visuals oversimplify what boundaries are and how they should be communicated; in relationship with others, this is all easier said than done when dealing with people live! As there isn’t a set of bylaws somewhere in defining our relationship borders, we usually don’t know what will bother us or need to be addressed as we cannot predict another’s actions toward us in different circumstances. Boundaries can be fluid just as humans are and, at the same time, with the many possible shifts that can occur in our relationships.
Initial boundaries in a relationship should be in place to protect, not to keep each other out. Sadly in the climate and culture of relationships currently, it seems much easier for us to cut someone out of our life rather than navigate the unchartered waters of effective communication and the placement of healthy boundaries. When someone crosses a boundary, we are much quicker to make a judgment of another’s motives than to examine the real underlying problem, and because of this, we start to dismantle our relationships, which ultimately can lead to estrangement.
Both, or all involved, will need to care equally about the relationship and put on the cloak of patience. Navigating life is hard for everyone, and we all come from different backgrounds and relational experiences. Therefore, it is important to make the other person feel safe when introducing boundaries by also communicating that the relationship isn’t easily broken because of this healthy and needed shift; it is for the betterment, growth, and endurance of something important– the relationship itself.
Art by Ron Hicks, Plaza in Milan