The Discontent Wife

Sometimes I still reflect on how my 14 year marriage ended in divorce.  My former husband and I were what I would consider “compatible” and generally happy most of the time.  Most of our marriage was one of peace and respect for each other.  It wasn’t a hostile marriage nor was our divorce; the respect we had for each other was one of loyalty to the very end.  Even now twelve years later if someone asks me about it, I share the truths about us with words of kindness, care, and respect.     

Since I’ve now almost been divorced as long as I was married, I’ve had lots of time to examine and search my own heart over the matter.  Those developments have changed with time.  First I blamed him.  Then I blamed myself.  Next I blamed both of us.  Now I focus on what was my responsibility in the demise of our union.            

I believe the most important aspect is putting myself in my former husband’s shoes and imagining what his answer would be on why it didn’t work for him.  It is a hard truth to face and accept, but if this step is avoided, I potentially run the risk of other failed relationships in the future. 

What would his answer be for why our marriage didn’t last?  I believe it can be contained in these six words:

I just couldn’t make her happy.

With the reflection and realization of this hard truth, a deep pain gnaws in my gut.  Did he ever do things to make me happy?  Without a doubt, YES!  Most of the time he blessed me in our marriage.  Being married in our early 20’s, we still had much room to grow and develop as individuals and as one flesh, something I wasn’t willing to let time, experience, and our pulled energies build into something lasting.  Instead of looking at the strengths of our relationship, I viewed it through the lens of our shortcomings, unable to embrace the fact that with two imperfect people, we would always have an imperfect marriage.  As I continually expressed my frustrations, our marriage suffered, and in that, I fashioned an impassive husband.  

I am a people-watcher and now cannot help but observe the interactions between couples, specifically at restaurants.  I suppose it is because everyone, including myself, is stationary for a while and much can be observed in the one encounter.  At times it’s been painful to watch couples grapple through a conflict because it reminds me of what we must have looked like during our marriage.  Sadly it seems like a rerun of the same scene, just a different couple: The wife seemingly mulls over details with her husband about some upsetting incident.  As I watch the man on the receiving end, his facial expressions and body language tell all!  I’ve been tempted a few times to walk over and give a soft warning, mainly to the woman:          

Be careful with your words.  Be assured, he is taking all of it in, and more than likely he is more upset that he cannot seem to make you happy in this area of dispute. But worst of all, he is holding a lot in for fear of hurting you more and may even feel like a failure as a husband.  He asked you to marry him because he delights in you.  He deserves the same esteem.  It’s easier to pick apart the things that aren’t working in your relationship but be thankful and focus on what is working!  Believe me, no matter how hard things may seem, you don’t want to hinder your relationship and end up where I am today.              

To the men and women out there that have a great spouse— a great life together: Be mindful of your words and actions toward one another; they are like deposits, which can support or stunt the growth of your relationship.  Even the smallest nitpicking over time can have scathing consequences, coupled with deep regret when it’s too late to prevent their effects in our life.  Nurture the relationship with patient grace, and watch it grow into a harvest of enduring love.    

Photo by Cameron Stow on Unsplash