A Year After “First Things First”

“Jesus answered, ‘My Father has been working until now, and I have been working.’” (John 5:17, NKJV)

Last year at this time, I started my blog and had gone through a fasting of negative thoughts about myself after many unanswered prayers.  Although my prayers haven’t been answered, I can see God arranging and rearranging things around in my life.

Since God seemed silent on the subject of me becoming a parent, I pursued fostering.  I had been approved and licensed as a foster parent, yet it took two years before I got my first placement.  Why had it taken so long?  Was the setback God’s answer for me on foster care?  I remember praying at this agonizing juncture, “Just do something, God.”  I had become desperate to see God move in my behalf on any one of my unanswered prayers.

In the waiting, I went into planning mode and set some attainable goals for myself.  I met with a university advisor about pursuing a PhD. I also signed up for that summer’s missions trip through my church.  

With a new plan already in motion, DHR called a week and a half later.  I gained two sibling girls, 3 and 8 years old. To put it mildly, it was the hardest thing I had ever done.  I lost sleep. Every day I was running on fumes of leftover energy by evening. Even my health suffered as I was unable to get well while I had them.  I needed relief. The strain of the situation overshadowed the blessing of having the girls.

My mindset going into foster care was that this was the only way I would have children.  Shortly after the girls left, His gentle spirit spoke to mine: “You limited me, and I couldn’t bless it.”  Not only had His loving correction revealed my lack of faith but also unveiled the promise that there are no limitations with Him and that His plan is to bless me with children in just the exact way He intends (Luke 1:37, ESV).  

Seeing how hard fostering as a single parent was, I redirected my prayers.  I stepped back and searched my heart. Was it children I wanted after all? The sting of not having children had, in fact, become less, but if children were a promise in my future, I knew I couldn’t do it alone and that meant praying for a mate.  

This redirection of my prayers brought to mind one particular Father’s Day right after my divorce.  My church had a family event that day at a play station with go-karts, miniature golf, and roller skating.  I had planned to go and meet friends there. Being that the crowd would mostly be families, I just couldn’t bring myself to go.  Tears of sadness, anger, and frustration streamed down my face. God’s spirit spoke to me in the middle of my distress: “Pray for your husband.”  I couldn’t believe it. The impact of those words brought me to my knees right there in my bedroom floor. Stunned, I wondered, “This is the stem of my grief and pain, and You’re telling me to pray for my husband?  Which one? The one I just lost, or the one I could gain, because right now, I don’t want to pray for one.” I knew the answer in my spirit. It was for the one to come. I begrudgingly complied. The attitude of my prayer reflected something like this: “There, God.  I prayed for my husband. And that is all I want to pray about that right now.” Though my prayer was short and half-heartedly felt, a supernatural calm suppressed my grief momentarily as His instructions for me to pray contained the promise of someone in my future, that He was already working on it.          

Entering this past summer of 2018, God spoke the word “rest”.  Funny thing is the word had an adverse effect on me. He wanted me to stop, and I wanted to go.  After all, rest sounds wasteful and unproductive, right?  I threw myself into more obligations and responsibilities than ever before.  On top of working full-time and keeping up my house, I taught two Bible studies and took a graduate English course at the university.  By the time October had rolled around, I was hitting burnout fast. And by mid-November, I made decisions of what “rest” would look like for me in the next semester.  After prayerful consideration, I would focus on individual discipleship with a few as time permitted rather than the weekly commitment of preparing and teaching Bible studies.  

As soon as I freed up space and room in my life, I met someone special.  I opened my heart for the first time in a very long time. Even though it wasn’t the outcome I had hoped for, I learned.  I learned I can love freely. I learned about conflict and fair fighting. I learned the importance of communication. I learned that it is an area of my life that I am waiting in expectation yet in His timing and will.   

There were so many times this past year that I thought I knew what was best for me.  From here, I continue to place my hand in God’s and venture into the unknown. I worry sometimes that I will make a blunder of things. Then the Holy Spirit comforts me with His Word: “Then I will make something beautiful out of the mess” (Romans 8:28, NIV). His promises ensure that we don’t walk alone (Isaiah 41:13, NIV).  And because of that, we can be encouraged that God is always working and that He is writing our story.

Scriptures for Today

With great adversity and unanswered prayers, we can feel abandoned by God.  Rest in His promises:

“Jesus answered, ‘My Father has been working until now, and I have been working’” (John 5:17, NKJV).  

“For I am the Lord your God
who takes hold of your right hand
and says to you, Do not fear;
I will help you.” (Isaiah 41:13, NIV)   

“Look here. I have made you a part of Me, written you on the palms of My hands.  Your city walls are always on My mind, always My concern” (Isaiah 49:16, VOICE).   

“Who among you fears the Lord?
Who obeys the voice of His Servant?  
Who walks in darkness
And has no light?
Let him trust in the name of the Lord
And rely upon his God.” (Isaiah 50:10, NKJV)

Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash